Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You

I began reading this book to learn more about codependency and how and why shame has taken a type of foothold in some of my behaviors. As an adult, I felt that somehow I was hard-wired to feelings that seemed to trigger and activate behaviors that I didn't understand. The following are just a few of the examples of what I mean: Why do I withdraw and sometimes even isolate whenever I am criticized? Why do I have a need to people please? Why do I hold back my own opinions, and even fear rejection, particularly around other men? I was usually confused about my identity and why I continued these behaviors! I browsed Darlene Lancer's book closely to observe the chapter titles, charts and basic flow. After all, I had noted her success with her book entitled "Codependency for Dummies" and liked her knowledge and depth of understanding codependency and also her writing style. My decision was to read the book slowly, carefully and in depth and work to answer the questions. I seriously hoped to progress with this process. To help me with this study, I purchased 6 copies, keeping one for myself. I gave two family members and 3 friends a copy and asked all 5 of them to join me reading, discussing and sharing as best we could. In this manner, I planned to not hold back on sharing so as to increase my opportunity for growth. As I read, worked and shared, I found a deep rooted shame based set of behaviors that I could understand. I knew my behaviors and used them to uncover the connections in my memories, as I examined my relationship triggers, related thoughts, feelings, and in particular defenses. My shame is deep rooted as I believe everyone's is, and Lancer's 8 steps outline a process for uncovering, sharing, letting go, rebuilding my self esteem and love for myself. I learned that I seemed to addicted to using my own shame based behaviors to survive and it negatively effected my relationships. Shame acts like a medicine to sedate my feelings, and to try and protect me form the reality of my true feelings. When I use it, it rewards me with a lack of intimacy and keeps me trapped into repeated the insanity of the behavior. Is this a powerful book? It is life changing!! Thank you Darlene Lancer!

A genuine eye opener. I'm not a "Reader", just never was interesting to me and I've probably only read 15 books in my entire life (for pleasure). I wish I had read this one first. This book is so accurate, so "Spot On" that it's shocking. I continue to discover things about myself that just slap me right upside the head. If you've reached the point in your life where you are fed up with your self generated negativity and hopeless outlook on life, it's worth every penny and every minute of your time to read this book. You won't be disappointed. You will be moved to action.

Overall, this book is well-researched and has the not-so-obvious insights I enjoy when I invest the time for self-improvement. I would recommend this book to those who struggle with codependency issues and are having trouble putting their finger on “why”. Yes, it has to do with your childhood as most counselors will tell you, but this book shows how the “separation of self” actually occurs due to shame. The concepts are easy to digest, and it’s presented in a way that makes it easy to see how this might have happened in your life.The book opens with a discussion on shame and how it underlies addiction. Shame is a natural part of life, but culture can shape how we use it. For example, in China shame is the beginning of integrity. But in the west, we tend not to share our shame in spite of the fact we sometimes never forget our shameful experiences. Nonetheless, we need to be fortified with coping skills to be resilient to shame. “Becoming independent and self-supporting is a milestone that, if not reached, can trigger a sense of failure for not meeting societal norms for success.”The book explains that there’s a common confusion between shame and other things, likes shyness or guilt. Guilt, while perceived as negative, can actually be an indicator of something that needs corrected. The difference is that while guilt is awareness that SOMETHING WE DID WAS WRONG, shame is a belief that there’s SOMETHING WRONG WITH US.We also learn in Chapter 1 that too much shame, or shame about the “wrong” things, sabotages relationships and can lead to anti-social behavior, addiction, and codependency. And when shame becomes chronic, it can take over our identity and our ability to enjoy life, chipping away at the trust we have in the world and ourselves. It’s the feeling of being a bad or unworthy person. Chronic shame no longer needs an external event to be triggered. This is when shame becomes a paralyzing problem.“Whatever we feel ashamed of, at its foundation is an often unconscious belief of inferiority or unacceptability – of being unlovable.”Another statement that rang true for me is that we imagine others see and judge us as we judge ourselves. Often we think people are judging us or judging our loved ones when they’re not. It’s reminiscent of Don Miguel Ruiz’ The Four Agreements, the second of which is Don’t Make Assumptions.In later chapters, the author describes the effect that chronic shame has on the developing self. Essentially, if parts of us are denied, rejected, ignored, or invalidated, or if we go through a traumatic event, we may cope by creating unreal identities (Ideal Self) which we then try to actualize instead of actualizing our True Self.Our True Self thrives in warmth, nurturing, and affirmation, When we don’t receive these things, our True Self recedes and becomes overshadowed by shame which we internalize over time. “Our ideal self reflects on how we think we should be in order to survive in the family, but instead of protecting our real self, the ideal self further alienates us from who we really are….” “From childhood onward, the Critic expects the unattainable by insisting that we suppress authentic feelings and traits that conflict with our internal ideal. We conform to who it thinks we should be and what it believes we should feel, think, do, and need.”The interesting correlation the book draws is how this shame and separation of self actually precipitates codependency.“The codependent self is out of touch with the real self. A codependent is someone who can’t function from his or her innate self, but organizes thinking and behavior around another person(s) success, process, or substance; whether addicted to a person, a process (such as gambling or sex), or a substance (such as food, drugs, or alcohol), they all share symptoms and characteristics. The difference is the object(s) of a person’s dependency. Codependency is a disease of a lost self, depriving us of vitality, spontaneity, and self-fulfillment.”There’s also discussion about intergenerational codependency; it happens especially when one or both parents were codependent. Neglected parents often become overinvolved, and parents that are controlled become too permissive. As a consequence children develop codependent problem around autonomy, boundaries and / or self-trust.When we deny shame instead of integrating it, it gets triggered and we become vulnerable to getting entrenched in it. We might act out, withdraw, become aggressive, project, or avoid altogether, but the shame doesn’t go away.Part of Chapter 3 discuss how we cope with this downward shame-spiral, namely by adopting specific personality types, and for codependents, the pervading personality type is called The Accommodator. Those who are addicted to love, romance, or relationships closely resemble the stereotypical codependent. “Accommodators yearn for happiness and validation with one significant person with whom they can merge to finally achieve wholeness.” They don’t believe they have rights, and feel guilty stating their needs, of which they’re mostly unaware. This denial of self-interest and fear of conflict and abandonment makes setting boundaries extremely difficult for Accommodators, which allows others to easily abuse and exploit them.This section explains why codependents express their frustration through passive-aggressiveness rather than directness, because they, “are usually reliving the experience of being shamed as a child, enacted by a partner whom they see as their parent. Emotionally trapped in their past, they’re unable to access their power as an adult, further stunting their ability to assert and protect themselves and stop the abuse. Instead, to keep peace, they placate, appease, and communicate indirectly in ways that are dishonest, manipulative, and passive-aggressive. Their aggression is directed at themselves and is expressed indirectly toward others through control, criticism, complaints, and passive manipulation.”In the process of healing, the codependent must drop his or her external focus, which often results in emptiness, since she was used to getting validation, attention or recognition from the outside. There’s suddenly a void, a void formerly filled by drama, and just as an addict faces the loss of his drug of choice, the codependent faces a lack of meaning.To move passed this, “The objective is to voluntarily experience the emptiness that occurs by intentionally not trying to escape despair. Abandon hope as well… and allow a humbling powerlessness to occur.” This forces a person to get something from herself and get less from the outside. Once expectations are more aligned with reality, change can happen.Meditation was mentioned as a healthy exercise to start getting more aligned. I’m always interested to see this technique mentioned as I read books on the topic, as I came to the same conclusion on my own years ago. Of course, if feelings are too intense to process on your own, the author recommends seeking professional help.As one faces the void of emptiness after giving up external focus, there are a host of common issues they may come upon, such lack of self-trust, feeling unimportant, guilt or anxiety, perfectionism, various forms of controlling, the “tyranny of the shoulds”. With some searching, one finds that these issues are largely due to the Inner Critic. Once one can “examine and release the Critics’s admonishments, their energy returns, their mood lifts, and their real self is free to enjoy the present.”At the end, the author lays out an 8-step process for recovery. The steps involve increasing self-awareness to connect with the True Self, processing one’s shame, and build self-esteem and self-love.Again, I found this book full of insight and overall it's a great read!

This book changed my life. My boyfriend said he saw a dramatic change over night. I recommend this to anyone and everyone that struggle with addictive behaviours, are codependant, and/or struggling with feelings of shame. You can liberate yourself.I can tell this will be a book to reread over the years in order to explore deeper meaning. There are also exercises to help you as you read through the book.

This book is OUTSTANDING!!! It covers so much in a straightforward way. ! I can’t praise it enough! As someone who’s been on the journey for a long time, I can tell you this book contains the best of the best! Thousands of dollars and many years in therapy in these pages (and that’s only if you are lucky enough to have found an exceptional therapist). Just get it and start doing the exercises! Thank you Darlene Lancer and I will certainly be buying your other books!

So helpful, so practical. The clear analysis and examples of the myriad of dysfunctional dialogues + behaviours you have experienced and participated in, turn your mind from obsessing over the 'whys', to honestly seeing and understanding the patterns + triggers. You can then begin empathising with yourself and a new mindfulness begins to grow once you start dealing with the work you need to do in the exercises. I found this a true comfort and calm relief from the labyrinth of rumination and helped me to really get an almost immediate grip on my own despair and the resentment I held for my partner. I guess Im at the point where Im ready to risk deep change to heal and grow. Im so thankful I found this.

This book is incredibly helpful and eye-opening to anyone who wants to heal their co-dependency. It's written with illuminating clarity and a solid structure which makes it easy to follow, despite the painful nature of the topic. The strategies and exercises included are simple yet profoundly effective. What stands out whilst reading this book is that it's written to maximise the healing benefit of the reader. Darlene is clearly an expert in this field, has a profound understanding of co-dependency and focuses on the practical aspects of the recovery. What makes this book even more effective is the fact that she conveys her knowledge with plenty of kindness and compassion. I highly recommend this book to anyone who wishes to gain a better understanding of co-dependency and heal their emotional wounds and relationships. This book is one of the best books on this topic out there and Darlene is one of the best authors in this field.

The author knows her subject comprehensively and this is one of the best books I have read on shame.She lays it out like a scientist and knows every nook and cranny on her subject matter.Excellent read with doable steps to tackle the problem

I think everybody should read this book for a better self and a better world. There are probably more books on shame and codependency out there, but i read this one and it was enough to break the bad patterns i was following in my relationships and change my life. I had bad relationship, and I didnt feel confortable in them and I didnt even know it. I consider yourself a good person, but I was either a victim or an abuser, I had to admit firstly that I had a bad childhood and understand how that affects my adulthood. If you want to change the world change yourself and your behaviour, make healty boundaries, read this book, nurture your inner child and look after your well being. Peace.

This book offers both clarity and depth, Darlene has a very human(e) and direct writing style which helps to digest a subject that can be 'difficult reading'. This is a fabulously practical and insightful book for both personal and professional development, I have found benefit in both areas of my life. This book has supported me in working on my own shame and codependency and more generally in developing healthier relationships.