The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment 1st Edition

Lightbulb effect. So much insightful and suggestive of new perspectives. It clearly depicts the underlying mechanism of how one closes herself to the outside world and develops defensive strategies against being neglected or abused. I now deeply understand how one becomes an indecisive, low self esteem person who is always unsure of herself, who always puts the blame on her self, who tries to please others at the expense of herself, who cannot set the necessary healthy boundaries and let others walk over her and who frequently gets depressed. So this is the person we would conventionally call the survivor (or maybe the codependent or maybe the covert narcissist). But what about the overt, arrogant narcissist who is always aggressive, who always puts the blame on others, who never becomes depressed, who acts 100% sure of himself, and who is very much decisive (in ruining others' lives)? Is he the one who is raised in the same family system?Maybe it's due to the fact that the book is written to the ones (therapists actually) who already know that the omnipotent display of the narcissist is only a mask and underneath this there is a wounded child who needs not to feel intimidated by the approach of his therapist.As a result, it leaves the codependent reader in a "Aaa, this is not my spouse's family; it's my family. I am the one who comes from a dysfunctional family then; not my spouse. I am the one who has a false self" feeling.So after reading this book you go and dig into your life expecting to find the dysfunctions of your family of origin, you begin to scrutinize everything your family has done or has not done. If you find something, you become assured that you are the dysfunctional one in the relationship with your spouse. If you cannot find anything and say "no, they were quite perfectly normal parents", again this is almost the validation that you are being defensive. Then you feel that it's all your fault. Then the book says that these individuals (who are raised in the narcissistic family system) are more ready to blame themselves for everything. So you become more convinced that your spouse is an angel and you are a wreck. But since you have read that all or none thinking style (angel/wreck) is a typical quality of individuals raised in narcissistic families, you become once more assured that you are the dysfunctional one.So while you are busy with these internal struggles and sufferings, your spouse more than ever enjoys his comfort and power. No hesitation, no doubt, no pain, no discomfort.In sum, you start reading the book in a hope for external validation that you are normal, and end up with the validation that you are the narcissist yourself.

This is a very well written book that approaches a difficult topic with warmth and compassion, and offers ways to acknowledge and value one's feelings without having to eradicate the existence of other view points. It points out that some people feel uncomfortable criticizing their parents too harshly, but also offers that a child's pain is no less real just because the parent was also in pain and trying to cope, and that both sets of feelings can exist simultaneously. According to this book, a narcissistic family isn't just one where the parents are actual narcissists but rather families where the needs of the parent system are more important than the needs of the children. This can happen not only in overtly abusive families where physical violence or drug/alcohol abuse is present, but also if parents are for example working two jobs to feed the kids, and there is little time available for them, so they don't feel heard and don't grow up with a sense that they matter as people. Instead they have to work around their parents' moods and rarely learn to even know what their own feelings and needs even are. They also overestimate their own power in the family situation and believe they cause the sporadic expressions of affection and attention from parents, but are then left feeling deficient when they cannot 'cause' it regularly. The reasons for the emotional neglect do not make the feelings of the child less valid, or the effects less destructive. It is written for mental health professionals, the authors' peers, and therefore never talks down or 'knows better'. I think precisely the fact that this is not a self-help book makes this such a useful and good read. There are interesting case studies, techniques to try, and some very helpful ways out of dysfunctional patterns. It does not replace therapy of course, but it can support the process.

Good book. I was so into it I completed it in five reading sessions. I bought this book for an ex girlfriend that I believe can benefit from it greatly. I wasn't initially going to read but glad I did. It opened my eyes to alot I had no clue about. I dated a woman for almost four years and because of her parents we have broken up for the third time here recently. Mind u she is 29/f and independent. Her family definitely falls under the narcissistic category without a doubt. She seriously fears her parents that raised her in fear, bondage and control. To make matters worse the Christian religious was involved; out of context and to their convenience of course unfortunately. Her father disapproved of us and she broke thgs off from a text msg. That was four weeks ago; no communication what so ever from her since. We had plans to marry and etc. Narcissism is real!!! I believe her parents were the reason of her cancer (thank God she was healed), her depression, counseling (psychotherapy), anxiety, doubt, antidepressants, fear etc. Through the years she said thgs like i feel worthless and i dont want to live because of narcissist parents. This is coming from an intelligent woman: master's degree, home owner, speech therapist and very successful u name it. A normal parents dream child. I hope she reads this bookin which I mailed it to her the other day. Yes very sad and if any one reading this has experienced anythg remotely close to this the book explains in many area's. Not only that but this book has suggested solutions. Anyway I hope this review helps some one in regard to purchasing this book.

Great, easy-to-read book with illuminating examples. Resonated with me on many fronts, and had some good take-aways including "I feel...I want" communication and compartmentalization.Though the advice probably would have not have landed at the time, I wish I had read this when the book was first published.

This book is excellent and amazing. I cry every time I read it. It provided context and understanding that I could not find from any counsellor or mentor. To be able to heal, you need that acknowledgement of the reality of your situation. Otherwise you continually blame yourself for being stuck in your life and not being able to achieve almost anything you want to. No one else is ever going to provide the validation you need to heal and move on. So this book is a valuable resource

I read this brilliant book many years ago and it was one of the more useful of very many similar I've read. I'd recommend it to anyone who recognises what the synopsis describes. I felt the need to write this review due to the review below which gives only 3 stars and suggests the writers are misusing the word "narcissistic". Narcissistic Personality Disorder is not what narcissistic means - to understand it that way doesn't recognise the fact that narcissistic traits are common throughout the general population - if it is, as the review suggests, a common assumption that a book with "narcissistic" in the title would be about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, that assumption must be incorrect as the world is rife with narcissism and the effects of narcissistic wounding on people, very few of whom would actually meet the diagnostic criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder, the criteria for which can be found in the DSM5. To use the word "narcissistic" in the title does not suggest to me at all that the book would be about that far more extreme condition rather than narcissism in families. The title of this book isn't misleading at all. The authors' definition of "narcissistic" family goes with everything I've come to understand about the subject of narcissism, what causes it, how it works within a person, and how widespread it is. It is generally about needs not being met, and is the reason unconditional love is so important in famlies and parenting. The author of the review below says: "So this is a book that talks in very general terms about how a dysfunctional childhood can lead to recognisable problems in later life. In this respect it is good. But for me this was already familiar information." What makes a "narcissistic family" different to just any dysfunctional family is in the main premise of this book - the needs of the parent are put above the needs of the child. This is what narcissism is all about - the love of self, the protection of self, the pandering to wounds of the self, as opposed to looking outwards and seeing and being more concerned with the needs of the child. It is symbolised by Narcissus, falling in love with an image of himself, spending his life consumed with appreciating that image of himself to the exclusion of all other possibilities, with sadness being caused to anyone who loved him, until he died.

Useful

J'ai beaucoup aimé ce livre qui traite du sujet des familles narcissiques d'une façon à la fois positive et constructive. L'approche basée sur les besoins m'a beaucoup plu : la famille narcissique est définie comme une famille dans laquelle les besoins des parents sont satisfaits en priorité et dans laquelle les besoins des enfants ne le sont pas, quelqu'un soit la raison. C'est suffisamment général pour englober nombre de situations et pas culpabilisant non plus, ce que j'ai beaucoup apprécié.C'est en anglais, certes, mais ça se lit assez facilement (je n'étais pas obligée d'ouvrir mon dictionnaire toutes les deux minutes).Bref, je recommande!

This book is not fluffy like most on the topic. It makes the subject appear less 'victimy'. Constructive and eye-opening.