How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It

I have recently been doing my homework and trying to enhance my marriage by gaining a better understanding of the best practices for marriages. I have read through a half dozen titles since then ranging from pitifully stereotypical to very practical.This is the latest book I've read -- actually about two thirds of the way through it and I must say, for the first time I am struck by the material -- positively!This book "How to improve your marriage without talking about it" by Patricia Love and Steven Stosny was very well reviewed (in Amazon) and I bought it on impulse. The premise of the book is REALLY very simple. Males are driven by the need to avoid shame and females are motivated by the need to avoid fear. It is innately derived by our gender and futher exacerbated by our socialization. That is to say, the gender differences are subtle at birth but the way males and females are socialized from day 1 ramps up these differences until they become a life or death instinct in us as adults. I found it both very true and fascinating. I highly recommend the book -- it's the best I've read so far in its really revolutionary approach.Their premise is that our marital conflict arises from these socialized and innate gender differences and that it is VERY subconscious. Marriages bring it out in us because over time, we unconscious evoke a fear/shame feedback loop in each other. This gender-specific dymanic is obviously not a factor in same sex friendships. I like this angle because they DON'T advocate trying to TALK it out, rather by becoming and modulating our own and our partners inate reactivity caused by these underly fears (shame/fear).I will give a nod to a comment made in the 1-star review here -- and this was actually an acknowledged caveat at the front of the book -- that these behavioral tendancies are just that, TENDANCIES based on gender, I've seen subtle differences in my partner, maybe even a little of both. But caveat aside, these are HIGHLY useful insights to have!!!I'm having MANY AH-HAAAAAA! moments, so that means this resonates and it rather revolutionary in my mind. Many of these marital education books rely on the traditional talk it out, listen intently, do for you spouse, be selfless, don't be such a typical MAN. I've tried all that, so have many of you. Though these things may be of transient benefit, they really still dance around the core, deep-seated issues of gender differences. "Why do I keep TALKING to my spouse with the BEST intention and we ALWAYS walk away FEELING worse!! WHY?" Both H & W are simply defending their primal instincts: the man doesn't want to feel the shame of inadequacy; the woman interprets his retreat as a threat to her safety and security and criticizes him further, causing him to feel MORE shame and withdraw further....... you get the picture. An ugly downward spiral. Anyway, CHECK out this book. I'll let you know how it goes for me upon reading and implementing!I would love feedback comments from those of you who have tried elements of this book. Thanks and good luck.FIVE STARS!

This book is an easy and entertaining read. The authors offer practical yet well researched and supported feedback. My husband and I have been separated for almost two months (his choice, not mine) and I have been reading like crazy to figure out how to improve myself and what I bring to our relationship and how my own actions have caused some of and supported the ongoing conflict. My husband and I love one another dearly and I am hopeful for reconciliation. We just needed to ease the tension and separation seemed the only way to most effectively do that. We see each other almost everyday due to our children and our communication has improved, our respect for each other has improved, and our awareness (mine at least) of what was wrong in our relationship and what to do to make it better has been enhanced as well. I wish I had read this book six months ago as I think our separation never would have happened but I do believe it is not too late. This book offers an exceptional insight into the emotions and minds of men and how men hear and respond to things, both perceived and real.BEST THING ABOUT THIS BOOK:It emphasizes connection with your partner rather than love. So many relationships fail because people feel they do not love one another or are not "in love" but this book offers a lot of understanding about the importance of connection and how men and women view connection differently. Women connect through words and emotions and men connect through actions and activity. The authors teach the readers how doing too much of the wrong things lead to tension and ultimate disconnection. It seems a no brainer after I read it but it has been helpful to learn that when I pressured my husband to "talk" it only pressured him to disengage. He even told me the other day "It's not about the love, it's about the lack of connection." Almost as if he peeked at my book (Maybe he did). I think we all knew that but this book makes it more clear. PLEASE READ LADIES BEFORE YOU TALK YOUR MAN RIGHT OUT THE DOOR! YOU WILL NEVER KNOW HOW MUCH IT MEANS TO HIM TO SIT IN HIS FISHING BOAT WITHOUT SAYING A WORD UNTIL YOU DO IT! This could cause him to fall in love with you all over again. Wouldn't that be worth it?I am a therapist by trade and never knew much of what these authors address. I often read books like this, take good care of them, and post for resale but this is a keeper so I am not afraid to highlight or break the binding. It must be good if I want to hang on to it!

este livro é incrível, recomendo a leitura a todos que querem ter novos pontos de vista e principalmente exercitar a COMPAIXÃO com seus cônjuges.

There is very good information in this book to improve your marriage. Clearly explains important differences between men and women that helped me to understand why we do things, and react to things differently. It all makes sense to me. And it's things I would never have considered or figured out on my own. My wife and I have been married almost 37 years and have a pretty good marriage. I think this book is improving it.

This book wasn't available on kindle so I bought the other title 'why women talk & men walk' by the same authors as well as I wanted to read it sooner rather than later & I liked the reviews. I also ordered this book in paperback. The content of the book is excellent. I learnt a lot about my relationship, my behaviours & the reasoning behind them but I also felt that if my husband read it he would also feel the same. He would feel, as I did, that someone understood our own perspectives perfectly. The advice for change is relatively simple too but that doesn't mean that it is easy. Habitual thinking & behaviour takes a bit of work & effort but it does seem 'doable'.The problem is that both books are exactly the same ....word for word. I can't see anywhere that says it's been re titled & if I'd known that I wouldn't have bothered ordering both of them. I do feel the publishers should have made this known as I would not have bothered getting both.

und damit auch für ihre Frauen! Welch eine Erleichterung, einen Weg aus der scheinbaren Sackgasse angeboten zu bekommen. Nicht nur für Profis,, sehr verständlich und anschaulich beschrieben, mit sehr viel Herz und Hirn! Ein sehr warmer wertschätzender Ton zieht sich durch das ganze Buch!Sehr emfpfehlenswert für Jedermensch!

Super easy listen. Explains both sides. Helps with understanding why each sex has their “things” I wish I had this book 20 years ago. My marriage has suffered not being aware of this information.