Traci Lords Double Feature: Laser Moon & Fast Food

This "Traci Lords Double Feature" is a hard pill to swallow. Traci tries her hand at both drama and comedy and it doesn't go well. I'm not saying she's a great actress, but in her defense the material and direction in both these features is terrible, so awful in fact that I specifically advise you not to do what I did and watch these two films in one sitting.The only reason to watch "Laser Moon" is to see Traci Lords in a traditional movie. I admire that she had the internal drive to put her past behind her and try to make it in mainstream films, and she is far from the worst actor or actress here, but she cannot save this predictable and tawdry mess. Perhaps the worst thing you can ever say about a suspense movie is that it's boring, but "Laser Moon" made me wonder exactly when anything was going to happen. The film opens with a shower scene while talk show host Zane Wolf (Harrison Le Duke) drones on and on (and on and on) about relationships in the middle of the night. This makes up a huge percentage of the running time of this film, and watching an audible medium does not make for suspense, but for tedium. Wolf is pretentious and annoying, but is also not the worst actor in the film.To the dulcet sounds of Wolf blathering on, a crazed lunatic kills the showering woman (the first of his victims) with a precision surgical laser weapon to the head. You'd think with an MO like that this would be a fast crime spree to solve. You'd, of course, be wrong. During an episode of "Zane All Night" ("Folks, we're talking about fantasies tonight...we're talking about panties!") a guy calls in to discuss his murder fantasy and the cops take notice. It turns out that Traci Lords is Barbara Fleck, rookie cop, whose vacation was interrupted to partner up with a misogynistic screamer of a partner, Detective Musso (Bruce Carter in his only credited role, and who is the worst actor in the film), who acts as an annoying and unnecessary foil whose only real purpose is to prove that Barbara is overcoming all odds despite having relatives in high places. Whatever. The best actor and most likeable character in the film is Bob, Zane's cat (played by Bob the Cat), who ends up being significant to the story. Of course the killer begins calling Zane and the police tell him to elicit information on the air, which he tries to do, the one problem being that Zane is an absolutely terrible interviewer.Late in the running time there is a tacked on subplot introduced about Zane's divorce and his wife being a general naughty person. There's a ridiculous last minute plot twist and I bet you can never guess where the final showdown occurs. Obviously Barbara is the heroine and saves the day as the cleverest of the characters (despite her apparent inability to fry eggs...don't ask).The biggest downfall of this film is in no way Traci Lords, it's the ponderous story and direction from writer and director Douglas K. Grimm. The dialogue is stunningly leaden; my favorite is a pointless and atrocious monologue about grocery bags that just boggles the mind ("Paper or plastic? I just don't know anymore....")"Laser Moon" is a film to avoid unless you are a severe insomniac, at which point it can be considered palliative care.After watching "Laser Moon" I decided to see "Fast Food" in the same evening. Surely this movie must be better given the most unusual imaginable casting of Traci Lords and Jim Varney in the starring roles, right? Right? I'll get it out of the way right away and say I rarely like "hilarious" frat house movies, but this one set new lows for my loathing of the genre, and that is entirely due to one unfortunate piece of casting: Clark Brandon as Auggie Hamilton, a directionless general reprobate that thrives in the fraternity culture, at least in this film. You see Auggie and his best buddy Drew (Randall Patrick) have been at Hopkins University for eight years and after a casino party complete with illegal gambling and a lot of terrible generic 80s music, the Dean, instead of expelling them, does the logical thing and graduates them to get rid of them. Oh, the hilarity.Meanwhile Wrangler Bob (a deranged Jim Varney), an evil fast food tycoon, wants a storefront right next to campus as he knows his demographic. But not so fast...Drew's beautiful tomboy cousin Samantha (Tracy Griffith) owns the struggling gas station currently occupying the site. Samantha (reasonably) hates Auggie on sight, so that of course means she'd turn down Wrangler Bob's offer to buy her out and decide to start a fast food restaurant in the station with Auggie and Drew. What could possibly go wrong? For one thing, this subplot as irrational but pedestrian as it is could intersect with a subplot about researchers at Hopkins experimenting with a revolutionary priapism formula, which, surprise, surprise ends up in the special sauce on the hamburgers at a catered frat party. I apologize for having to even type this.There's witticisms aplenty in this fetid stinking heap (e.g. "The old coot didn't know diarrhea from a chocolate shake!") and an absolutely terrible musical filling station to restaurant conversion montage, but nothing prepares us for Auggie's unethical and fraudulent loan application subplot, which is followed up with the lamest and most humiliating excuse for a wet T-shirt contest ever filmed, followed by an even lamer poor man's Rodney Dangerfield (who was hot when this was made), all of which is intermittently punctuated by just horrible, horrible music.Now you may have been wondering about something, and I know what you're thinking. In my second sentence I revealed that "Fast Food" stars Jim Varney and Traci Lords, but that's the last you've heard of Traci Lords, up till now at least. That's because she apparently had the best agent of all, as she only makes an appearance the last 20 or so minutes as Dixie Love, the sexy spy working for Wrangler Bob. It will come as no surprise that dumb comic relief Bud (Michael J. Pollard) tells Dixie everything in about two minutes flat with the predictable result that she has to try the special sauce and immediately starts to strip (if you are expecting to see anything, stop right there; this is PG-13 and there is no skin of consequence exposed at any time). She reports her findings back to Wrangler Bob, and he immediately has the USDA raid the restaurant. I hesitate to mention this, but this raid is conducted by Special Agent Dikworth (Bruce Evers). If that wasn't bad enough, it will surprise nobody still with us that Auggie buckles down and studies law overnight and successfully defends Samantha and company in court while simultaneously getting Wrangler Bob into hot water, because you know, that's totally plausible. It goes without saying that the film ends with a nauseating romance between Auggie and Samantha that you knew was coming, yet you kept wanting to put off as long as possible. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.This film was directed by Michael A. Simpson, and is insipid and nearly unwatchable. I did not laugh once during the entire film, though I did find the closing credits fascinating for two reasons. First and most obviously, because the film was almost over, and second, because there are some very unexpected credits in the final few minutes of the movie. In addition to the already oddly named cast members please be advised that "Cowboy With Indigestion" was played by Jerry Campbell, while "Land Shark Victim" was played by Shelia Williamson. The film was made in Los Angeles and Atlanta, and special thanks were given to (among others) Adam Sandler (which explains a lot), The DeKalb Historical Society (?), The Cities of Norcross and Decatur, Georgia, and last but not least, but certainly most unexpectedly, The Primitive Baptist Church of Atlanta (?!?)If only we had had more sharks and indigestion this would have been a much better movie.

Fast food was good laser moon was okay

laser moon wasn't as good as could be/ haven't seen Varney's movie yet.