Don't Be Nice, Be Real: Balancing Passion for Self with Compassion for Others

*****This book is a practical handbook for applying Nonviolent Communication methods. However, it covers far more than this, and in an entertaining way, rife with good examples. Enlightened selfishness (resulting in actually being more loving to others instead of less loving to them), spirituality, meaningful relationships, blaming, fair fighting, empathy, motivation, compassion, mindfulness, therapy, our American culture, sexuality, violence, war, negotiation, and more are covered.To testify to the excellence of this book, there are endorsements from John Gray, Mitch Albom, Alan Cohen, and many other authors and others. The forward was written by Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of Nonviolent Communication. It is an atypical book that not everyone will appreciate, because it is unorthodox and non-traditional. It is one of my favorite books ever because of the originality of the ideas presented, the freshness of the examples, and its re-readability.If you are not familiar with Nonviolent Communication, you will still get a great deal out of this book (and probably want to learn more!). If you are interested in peace and justice, you will enjoy it. If you are interested in dramatically bettering your relationships, you will enjoy it. If you are interested in developing a more compassionate spirituality, you will enjoy it. If you are a student of A Course in Miracles, you will really, really enjoy it.One of my favorite parts of the book is a chapter about a "new religion" called "Non-Rushin' Unorthodoxy"---a testimony to not rushing, being present, enjoying our time. I really enjoyed the author's humorous and passionate styel.The style of the book is narrative, and it's only real flaw is that it covers such a wide array of topics that it's hard to find things, to refer back to things since there is no index. I overcame this by book marking, highlighting, underlining---the subject matter is worth it.If you are interested in any of the above topics, I would highly recommend this book. If you see yourself as mainstream, conventional, not really interested in challenging any of your beliefs, and definitely not interested in the topics the book is about, you'd probably be better off passing on it.*****

This is my first book on NVC I've read, but I don't think it's that much about NVC as it is about the virtues of being honestly selfish. I've grown up in a household where suffering on behalf of others was somehow deemed "awesome". Reading this book helped me see how those paterns are flawed and destructive to human relationships - and to read about patterns that are worth trying as better ways of being in a relationship. I think the author's key points are: Ask for what you really need, because when somehow you allow yourself to be pulled into doing what you don't want, it builds resentment that eventually surfaces in negative ways that make the relationship far harder to sustain than an honest relationship where each party expresses their needs. To me this was new material that helped me realize new ways to try to replace old patterns that clearly don't work. I highly recommend this book.And yes, the author is funny and authentic in that he shares his own insecurities and how he deals with them. If you're looking for a guru who is better than us, this author doesn't try to project that. I love how he makes fun of Deepak Chopra and John Gray (whom he both resents and admires ;-) I can relate to that, and I like the fact those risque parts of the book weren't edited out.

I went to a 2 hour lecture by Kelly in 2003. Then and there I signed up for his all day workshop that Saturday. # months later Marshall came to town with his 10 day intensive and I enrolled. Life has continued to evolve. My gratitude to Kelly for introducing NVC to me in such a playful manner.

First, I need to say, if you haven't already read  Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Create Your Life, Your Relationships, and Your World in Harmony with Your Values (Nonviolent Communication Guides)  be sure to read it also. After enjoying  Being Genuine: Stop Being Nice, Start Being Real  I discovered this book - and I found it so compelling that I've bought several copies to share and I've even contacted the author. I plan to bring Kelly to Rockford, IL, to do workshops. NVC helps people connect on a profound level, yet at times, it seems so sweet that my teeth hurt! Kelly has recovered from the "slavery of people pleasing" to a genuine honesty and deep compassion for self and others, with many insights that are helping me to integrate NVC into my life. And I love his fun twists of language: "A fight to the life!" and "Giraffe Nazi."

There are a few precious books that really make an impact on your life. This was one of those books. I have read other books and found them to be of limited help -- other books focus on how to be assertive and stand up for yourself. These didn't work well for me because most don't address the underlying feelings and needs you have that caused you to be passive and people-pleasing in the first place."Don't be nice, be real" spoke to me on a deep level and helped me to view things from a different perspective. I hate to sound cliche, but it has helped me find myself and has positively effected my quality of life and the quality of my relationships.

good book

Dieses Buch ist wie eine Entdeckungsreise auf der Insel der Erkenntnis.Jedes Kapitel birgt unglaubliche Aha-Momente und erhellende Einsichten in die Zusammenhänge der Beziehungsdynamismen in Hinblick auf Glaubenssätze und verdrehte Wertvorstellungen.Es führt einen zu einer gewaltfreien Möglichkeit für seine eigenen Bedürfnisse einzustehen und den Anderen dennoch zu sehen und auf die alten Muster mit einer Klarheit zu reagieren, die allein durch das Trainieren der GFK für mich noch nicht bewerkstelligbar war.Ein unglaubliches Buch und eine Bereicherung für das Leben vieler meiner Freunde und Bekannten.Eindeutige Empfehlung!

I discovered the Kelly Bryson when I was reading articles on the Nonviolent Communication website. Kelly had an article about deciding when to give and when to say 'no'. On the strength of that article and other information, I decided to get this book. I haven't been disappointed.Kelly gives examples from his own life which I really connect with. His stories get to that core of the moment-by-moment cognitive-emotional experiences you have when you're interacting with someone and you start to feel threatened and angry. You are encouraged to get beyond the arguments (yours and theirs) and connect with the emotions and the underlying needs.Within this book, and in other NVC literature, I see valuable lessons and applied examples give me a better framework to act in when I'm engaged in a potentially hostile encounter.Kelly isn't someone who grew up in a stable environment. Somewhere deep in one of the chapters, Kelly mentions briefly that he grew up in foster care, and spent time in different homes. When you engage with this book, you aren't engaging with some rarified perfect guru who has the answers to perfect living. Rather, you're engaging with someone who has struggled and worked hard to find a better way of living and relating to other people, and to himself. As such, you will find a lot of compassion for how hard this can be. But you also get motivated that a better way of living is possible.This isn't a perfect book. For example, in one moment it gives into idealized narratives of matriarchal prehistoric society. But if you accept this, and engage with this book in an open and critical mind, you may find valuable lessons, small and large.Kelly is very earnest and enthusiastic. He is idealistic in his realism. I think Kelly, like me, still suffers from that eternal hope that life can be "cured". This hope can be a valuable motivation, even if it is also something we need to wrestle with. In practice, Kelly has done this. What he has arrived at, and what he shares, are strategies for living life better situation by situation, and day by day. We can develop new understandings, habits, and perspectives, and with this, life can genuinely improve even if it isn't "solved".For me, the jury is still out on NVC. I don't know if it has all the answers. But I really believe that it has some of them.

​This is a more in-depth appreciation of Marshall Rosenberg's work and I really appreciated that this book was created. So if you are looking for a deepened understanding of Compassionate or Non-Violent Communication, then this book is a really nice accompaniment. The story-telling and examples are useful. I thought some of the book could have been tighter in language toward the end, but then he would start talking about something really useful (like how to select an appropriate counselor) and if that's what it took to be able to explain that, then I have understanding.

This book was such a surprise and delight to me. I adore it. It is based on the principles of nonviolent communication; which at its simplest is communication that requests rather than demands. It contains snippets of the author's life and beliefs and practical examples and suggestions for improving communication of our needs while respecting and considering the needs of others. A totally 'selfish' book, that encourages us all to wake up and get real.