The Empathy Trap Paperback – May 16, 2013

Pages 34-45 are worth the price alone. This section hits where all the other books miss.It explains WHY a psychopath choses you. And its not because there's something wrong with you. Quite the opposite.This knowledge empowered me. Reassured. And armed me with a vital "I know what you're thinking, and I'm not worth the trouble" -kind of self-knowledge.Some predators like a challenge. Some think twice. Either way, this book gave me the sureness to fight smart.It also explains why so many others are willing to not only turn a blind eye, but actually enable a psychopath! So Healing to finally understand!Read it along with "The Sociopath Next Door". And "The Body Keeps The Score".I can't recommend these enough. I even bought copies for friends.

I devoured the "The Empathy Trap" in one afternoon. The entire book felt like a chapter straight out of my life as I have been a magnet for narcissists and sociopaths my entire life. It wasn't until I read this book that I understood that being raised by a malignant narcissistic mother and growing up with a narcissistic, sociopathic brother would set the stage and become the recurring theme that would play out in my life for nearly 50 years with lovers, bosses, friends, neighbors, and other family members. This book shined a light of clarity and understanding into the darkest recesses of my life like no book ever has before. "The Empathy Trap" succinctly tied up all of the the elusive loose ends that have haunted me for decades by providing information to help me protect myself against "arch-manipulators." More importantly, this book succinctly outlines the players needed for the transaction of the sociopath to be successful. I have a newfound awareness about myself, the sociopath, how and why sociopaths go unnoticed and unpunished. If you have been in a romantic relationship, work relationship, or friendship with a narcissist, or a sociopath, or know someone who has, you owe it to yourself to read this book and/or recommend it. My copy is highlighted, underlined, and marked up. It is one I will keep on my book shelf and refer to for years to come.

I would like to thank the authors of this remarkable book for a *superb* job. In the past two years I have read well over 30 books on the topic of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, antisocial personality disorder, sociopathy and psychopathy, so I enjoy comparing between texts and literature to see which are the best for people in this experience. This book is very clearly written for the lay person, and shows how to clearly identify these individuals, how to deal with them, and how to heal from the concussion after being hit by the relationship damage.Most of all, I want to give the authors accolades for bringing forward (FINALLY!) the important relationship triad that involves the "Apath." This is a third person they bring in to elevate themselves and character assassinate the empath. This serves to prove that the predator is worthy, whether done through smear campaigns or distortion campaigns (either public, or whether behind the scenes in networking strategies). The role of the Apath, the person they enlist to side with them, is something that is not discussed or even mentioned in other books, and it is such a critical and unnerving part of the experience. Bravo to you for bringing it to light and defining its presence and how to manage that as well. A standing ovation to you for this. I'd love to see more on this, and how today's apath can also sometimes be an overlapping victim empath in some cases.This was very well done, and will give a great eye-opening epiphany to many who are experiencing the puzzling maze of deception built by the sociopaths of our society. Great title, great topic, well done book. Highly recommended and a fabulous place to start reading on this topic that is misunderstood by so much of society. Oh, how charm can deceive.

One of the BEST books for understanding what's been called "everyday sociopaths", and for helping one deal with life in their realm. That pretty much means all of us, since the research/statistics suggest they are about 1 in 25 people.....or about one in every elementary school classroom, or in any business with 25 or more employees. An excellent guide for understanding and self protection. It totally helped me better understand several previous bosses who would combine bullying and then complimenting in odd and ultimately degradingly manipulative ways.

Extremely illuminating. This book includes discussion of the "campaigning" done by abusers. This amassing of an army against thecredibility of the person that they are abusing serves as the source of their ability to ruin peoples' lives.Very few authors EVER discuss the "third parties" that are everywhere in the lives of people who find themselves the victims of these profoundlydestructive people.Thank you for this book.

This book is a great tool to help people better understand covert manipulation / gaslighting. The authors use numerous situational examples of this behavior and helps to break down victim responses / experiences. I was impressed with how thoroughly they broach all aspects on both sides in a short book. They’ve also included a compiled list of resources. For anyone who has experienced gaslighting, this is a great start.

it is not going to deep i to analysis , I would say is a bit superficial. there are some interesting facts described but I expected more.

I really like this book because it covers all aspects but is a quick read. I just wish that it was shipped to my friend instead of to my house.I highly recommend this book to students of psychology and to the public who want to keep bad people out of lives.

I was disappointed to find the same old ideas here as in many 'self-help' books, with the emphasis on how to survive or protect yourself, rather than on a deeper understanding. As someone with a long-standing interest in psychopathy, autism, and schizophrenia, I feel that 'understanding the empathy trap' is not possible without an investigation of what psychopathy is, or rather what the current views are and what the research tells us, yet the authors say early on that they are not going to attempt this. Nevertheless, they do make some bold statements that are confused or downright wrong. For example, on p35 I read, 'the empath is the boy who mentions the unmentionable; that the emperor has no clothes.' No - the boy is simply telling the truth; this has absolutely nothing to do with empathy, which is about feeling other peoples feelings!You can always tell books that lack scientific rigour by those diagrams with circles and triangle - like Abraham Maslow's 'hierarchy of needs' shown as a pyramid that tells us nothing. Sure enough we have here on p38 four triangles that tell us absolutely nothing useful. Three people involved in a transaction - I don't need a diagram for that!On p34 I read, 'empathy is a learned phenomenon'. Really? I'd like to think we knew that, but the experts are by no means agreed on it. In any case, such a statement is meaningless without reference to true or 'affective' empathy, which is felt, not reasoned, and 'cognitive' empathy, which is calculated - the thing psychopaths are extremely good at! If true affective empathy it is learned, then we should be giving serious consideration to how it is learned. Is it, like some aspects of autism, to do with early pruning of neural connections depending on experience; in which case we should be looking for ways to expose children to emotional situations, such as in movies, or is it learned in the way reading is learned, in which case we should be teaching it in schools. On the same page is a description of the important neuroscience discovery that parts of the brain 'light up' on an fMRI scan when the subject witnesses another person in pain; unless they are a psychopath. But would that be witnessing physical pain or emotional pain, an important difference? I am one of those people who actually 'feels' pain if I witness someone injure themselves. I reach for the corresponding part of my body and nurse it. My mother was the same, and like her I feel I am an extreme empath. This is probably linked to 'mirror neurons' I think more emphasis should be given to such real differences that can be tested for. These questions need answering by research urgently in my view.A major failing of the book, in relation to my personal experience with psychopaths (I prefer that term rather than the other aphorisms), is that it seems constantly to describe psychopaths as deliberately manipulative. Many are, especially perhaps, male ones, but I'm not convinced that this is the essence of psychopathy. It seems to me that the common factor is absence of true, felt, empathy, and I have observed many things that stem from this that do not seem like planned manipulation so much as genuine inability to understand. For example, the woman who, having left her husband says to him, 'I've fallen in love; you should be pleased for me'. Or who having lost a ring down the toilet; a ring the giving of which once meant so much, says, 'never mind, it didn't cost much'. Or who comes home having had her beautiful long golden hair cut short, without any discussion, and says, 'but it's my hair and I fancied a change'. These and many other similar, and apparently small, events have led me to realise too late that I did not, in a very real sense, exist for my partner. My feelings were of no consequence. It seems to me that manipulative behaviour may or may not develop in such a person, depending on how skilled they become at 'cognitive' empathy, the deliberately worked out stuff. I've seen both.The authors are too cut and dried in their approach to what is surely a problem that, though widespread and possibly on the increase (like autism), has yet to bring any real agreement from the scientific community. A major discussion point has to be the place of empathy in societies. Is lack of empathy a 'condition', or is empathy something that certain societies have fostered and passed from generation to generation, perhaps through early experience, or perhaps through religion? As something of an expert on the Brontes I am interested to follow the controversial debates over whether the Yorkshire villages, and Haworth in particular, were really full of psychopaths of the type we meet in 'Wuthering Heights'. According to Mrs Gaskell, the biographer who lived at the time and met Charlotte, they were! According to Juliet Barker, most recent biographer, they weren't. From my knowledge of the Bronte's writings, and also from my studies of my own ancestors from that area, I agree with Gaskell - there was, and is, a Yorkshire type of man whose motto is, like my grandad's, 'look after yersen, cos no one else will'. The headmaster in 'Jane Eyre' appears to me to be a religiously (Calvinist) inspired psychopath who can happily watch his girls suffer, safe in the knowledge that they are predestined to go to heaven or hell. I see considerable evidence that, far from psychopathy being a mysterious condition, empathy is something that some societies have and pass from generation to generation (or did do).The author's approach to coping with the problem makes me angry! They repeat the usual psychobabble about just running - getting the psychopath out of your life, setting boundaries, not letting them have control. As if !!! If you have children with a psychopath, then, it seems to me, you're stuck. The authors suggest getting others, the apaths, out of your life too. Making it clear to family members that you don't want to see them together. The result, I'm afraid is that you just end up losing everything. What 'victims' need is true support. An independent judgement of what is right and wrong and unreasonable, someone to confirm the reality they know to be true, but are struggling to hold onto, but in my experience psychotherapists are wimps in this respect; they dare not interfere; it's 'outside their remit; 'we don't work like that'. This brings us to political correctness, post-modernism, and non-judgementalism. Every youngster seems to be taught that 'judging is wrong'. But societies exist by judging - they stop psychopaths committing crimes by the application of law, by judges! And religions, as actually practised, are extremely judgemental. I think, like many other atheists, that we need some moral norms to teach in place of religion.As I said, there is much much more to the subject of empathy than the narrow view presented in this book.

If your life has been blighted by a sociopath.....if like us, your family has been tortured and torn apart by the twisted lies of a cold and scheming psychotic son in law whom you have helped due to your inbuilt but misplaced empathy and a kind heart ( to make life easier for your daughter).....then this book is a must ! Read this book it is straightforward and enlightening.

Probably the best book on emotional abuse.A clearly and well written book by a professional; written without the hype or deliberate raising of emotion which some other books contain.Helpful at explaining various situations using scenarios and covering a wide range of situations, acknowledging that each person suffering from emotional abuse will have a differing experience from the next person. It does not underestimate the damage done to the person who suffers such abuse and how long recovery can be. Swapping gender pronouns is a little confusing at first but is useful to reinforce throughout the book that sociopaths are found in both sexes.I found it most helpful in understanding more about the destructive behaviour of the sociopath and what can be done to help protect children caught up in such situations. I would have liked more coverage of narcissism but feel more able to support certain family members having read this.

I agree with Lindosland - the two star reviewer - that the book lacks rigour. However, from my perspective, the rigorous book about anitsocial personalities has yet to be written. Certainly, in this small book (little over a 100 pages) written by two freelance writers / trainers / lecturer and consultant (nb. not clinicians or psychotherapists) one would hardly expect rigour. What is presented is mostly psychological models: Baron-Cohen's Degrees of Empathy, Babiak and Hare's 3 phases of sociopathic enagement, Gardner's Parental Alienation Syndrome, etc peppered with pieces of advice for victims of sociopathic abuse. One slightly confusing piece was the "sociopath-empath-apath triad" which, by implication, they present as their own model and state that "...in almost every sociopathic interaction we know of, this interpersonal exchange is enacted". By the way, their idea of the apath is someone who "...walks in and out of situations in a trance-like state" (p28) and through their lack of insight corroborates the sociopath's accusations about the empath. Firstly, how do they know about actual interactions from their non-practitioner roles? Secondly, what I believe they are alluding to are secondary narcissists who derive their supply via the elevation of the primary narcissist: think Trump supporters. They often work around the primary in groups, not as a sole supporter. So, my suspicion is that the McGregor's have manufactured a neat model, echoing Karpman's "Drama Triangle", but without the authority that comes through study. I stand to be corrected on this suspicion.One very interesting point for me is that on page 5 they reference "...an English doctor, J.C. Pritchard (1786-1848), [who] ascribed the term 'moral insanity' to the condition. From my perspective, the moral dimension has conveniently been forgotten as the condition has been psychologised - as in this book (despite being referenced).

Well worth a read, gives recovery after a narcissistic relationship