Piatkus Books A Matter of Death and Life: Love, Loss and What Matters in the End

This is a powerful and poignant book. I must read for anybody. Dr. Yalom and his late life hold nothing back. This was a book I could not put down. I have read twice since.

“How much are we willing to bear to stay alive?” While Dr Yalom’s lifework consisted in helping and convincing his patients of life’s worth, of life being worth struggling for, he himself here comes to a point where he’s having a hard time taking on this lecture. He has to say goodbye to the love of his life, has to watch her suffering through their last months together and, finally, he has to manage to go on without her.Marilyn and Irvin D Yalom have written a very intimate and intense book about leaving this world and ending one’s life. Therefore, this book is full of emotions, but also of doubts, fears and thoughts, that came very precious to me. It deals with the fear of death, most of us have, and tries to give comfort by having a very close look at this matter – something we generally rather try to avoid as long as we can. “What terrifies most about death is not the loss of the future but the loss of the past”, Irv quotes the writer Milos Kundera. A very interesting approach, I find. Another thought I found truly comforting: “Where death is, I am not. Why fear something we can never perceive?” (p 68) After all, “[…] one’s state of nothingness after death is identical to the state of nothingness that one was in before birth” (p 69), and nobody mourns that state of darkness before our birth.Although it’s Marilyn who suffers a fatal illness including all the pain and the knowledge about its ending in death, it’s also her that brings the most comfort into this book. Being a very intelligent woman that achieved everything in life, she finds the strength to feel gratitude and in peace with her fate. She can appreciate to have lived a regret-free life and that “there is a time for every season… A time to be born and a time to die.” (p 49) She also wisely states that “one stays alive not only for oneself, but also for others” (p 14), and so she does for almost a year. But the end comes and leaves her beloved husband desperately struggling through a life without her. Having professionally assisted so many surviving dependents in his life only helps him modestly. Just as Mascha Kaléko appropriately formulated in her poem MEMENTO:“Just think: one’s own death one just has to die; But with the deaths of others one must live.”And still, despite all the heaviness and sadness in this lecture, again and again there’s a brightening thought, such as “I, and only I, have to take full responsibility for determining reality.” (p 182) In the end, life is cherished as “a miniscule crack of light between two eternities of darkness.” (122) A festival of lights – if we want to.

Livre impressionnant de lucidité, écrit à deux mains et qui raconte la chronique d'une mort annoncée et d'un suicide assisté. Cela vaut surtout pour le courage de Mme Yalom. Son époux, très célèbe psychiatre expose ses fragilités et le deuil terrible qu'il traverse. Un livre choc qui peut donner beaucoup à réflechir sur la fin de vie et ses évolutions possible dans la société. Je ne doute pas qu'une traduction française sorte très prochainement.

I’ve been a long time fan of Irvin. Over 20 years ago, I read Loves Executioner. I have read pretty much all of his books since. I feel like I have got to “know” him somewhat. I feel, through his writing, he has guided me to a really significant degree in my development as a therapist. I must also acknowledge my incredible supervisor, Paddy also.This book is really touching, full of humanity. I have been deeply saddened reading it. I must say I am not finished yet and feel reluctant in some ways to hear of Marilyn’s passing. To read Irvin recognising it was time to retire was so very poignant. Pg 98 was wonderful to read as it illuminated so much of Irvin’s grace and kindness as a therapist. I am reminded of his autobiography when he talks about engaging with one of his first clients from a relational frame or reference and had to present his summary to the psychoanalytic society. honest and kind.....another wonderful readThis book is a gift, a true treasure.

It was very sweet for Irvin and Marilyn to put this together in their most difficult time of life. His love for Marilyn is palatable. Her strength at the end was inspiring. It seemed very therapeutic for them to write this together. What a horrible time to lose a spouse...just a few months before the world shut down to the pandemic. I can't imagine what that was like for Yalom. That's the book I want to read--his first year without his wife of 65 years during a pandemic. Maybe at 90yr he has a few more books in him.