Finding the Words: Working Through Profound Loss with Hope and Purpose Hardcover – March 14, 2023

I bought this for a friend whose young son recently died, and it brought her some measure of comfort. Even though the author comes from a place of privilege, his tragic story is relatable to anyone who is dealing with profound grief.

I have read many books on grief, and many have consoled or validated, but Campbell's book is unique in the field. I hesitate to use the word useful as it sounds so banal and practical, but untethered, profound loss requires action if one is to survive the inconceivably disastrous. That is, if one chooses to survive. Campbell and his wife, Gail Lerner have done so and more; they are lights in a dark world. They chose to live and love. I cannot seem to get there but I am still trying. The inner strength of these two defies my understanding.The book is beautifully written, with wrenching details of the lives of their two wonderful children, Ruby and Hart. Other grief writers like C.S. Lewis and Julian Barnes write lovely and touching prose about their respective grief, but don't bring their dead loved ones clearly to mind with depictions of their wives' personalities or contextual stories. Campbell's purpose is to do just that: reading this book will make any reader have an indelible, delightful glimpse of their children. My heart is forever touched by Ruby and Hart.It is unsparing and dares to look at the deepest, hardest parts of desolating grief. No other book on grief comes close to its rawness, which is imbricated, astonishingly, with joy. This is a father who is laser focused on honoring and loving his children, no matter the ongoing anguish. Clearly his wife is cut from the same extraordinary cloth. I appreciated the Jewish rituals which vitally supported them. Their rabbi is obviously a special human being. But I did come away with the feeling that Campbell and Lerner were just as instrumental in teaching and guiding their community right from the beginning, which fills me with awe and admiration.Campbell is a powerful voice in teaching us about grief and how to navigate it with love. I am so thankful to him.

I have not experienced catastrophic grief so I can't comment on this book through that lens. I read a blurb about this book and felt afraid to read it because I have 2 teens, a son & daughter. Just that small similarity made me antsy - as if NOT reading this book would protect me from the unique devastation that is losing your child(ren). But something compelled me to learn about the way forward amidst such loss (just in case), and part of it was wanting to be a good human and be able to say/do the right thing to support people who are grieving. I admit to wanting a list of consoling sentences, and being a bit let down that this wasn't included, though I understand why. This book offered so much more - an excruciating, intimate portrait of a life blown apart and a glimpse of it being tenderly put back together. I am now one of many people who are holding Ruby/Hart death ache, and sending compassion to all who miss them.Random notes:- I was so moved reading about the incredible support of Jewish rituals and structure and to learn more about them. I am ready to convert in some capacity. Really. I had already determined I would opt, when possible, not to go to Christian funerals or "Celebrations of Life" anymore with all the 'better placing' nonsense. It is Such gaslighting for those whose hearts are shattered. (Kate Bowler has lots to say about this and I hope Colin will be invited to be on "Everything Happens" podcast.)- So many helpful ideas, prompts, and tons of honesty of the good, bad and ugly.- I felt envious reading about how good the family was at being a family: having fun, connecting, the warmth, the space to be unique and not 'perfect'. No, it wasn't all sunshine while the kids were alive but all of their hearts were open to each other. Some families gel more naturally than others, even if love is present.- More envy: so much community. Such a gift to have that resource for both celebrations and consolations, people who are memory keepers and share common values either through IKAR or schools. I feel vulnerable that I don't have such a functional, interconnected community should tragedy strike. It's not for lack of trying.- I liked how the book was structured (the dark humor of Crash Course in the Table of Contents was seen). Excellent section distinction with personal stories. Part memoire, part 'how to' - but in a spacious "this might help you" form.- Editorial oversight: I wish the book had a preface that acknowledged upfront that it was written by a fairly well-off, educated cis-gendered white male in het marriage (probably a politically liberal Californian like me) who was already was familiar with navigating the mental health system, writes from an experience informed by Jewish Tradition and entered this shattering experience with finances, extended family & community, a faith tradition (very well adapted to an atheist I might add, Mazel Tov), decent health, a solid marriage. This is mentioned as the book unfolds, however I think it would be very alienating/deflating to someone in desperate shape to purchase the book and realize there is so much emotional scaffolding they don't even have in place that it complicates their process and might create more to grieve. By identifying all that was in place for Colin & Gail right up front, it might reduce a reader's feeling of marginalization. I can imagine that if I read this when grieving, I'd have thrown it across the room and had a tantrum about wealthy educated cis-white male who lucked out being absorbed by his Jewish wife's lineage. Ultimately, naming all his privilege up front - not to apologize, but to acknowledge his place/perspective in the context of it all. I truly appreciate the author's use of his voice, his education, his support, his intelligence to write this to be of service to others - and yes to be witnessed in his own process.Finally, if you are reading this and are in staggering, persistent pain searching for a resource, know that I don't speak from an informed place. Just garden variety losses in my experience (though I did have a bit of a focus on death & dying in my social psychology degree). I might be full of shit in my recommendation or 'could be improved' notes.I gave it five stars because of the effort to be of service and be a companion/resource to others but I can't really judge it since I've not gone through anything horrible like this.

Outstanding Book, must read!I was out of the country honoring my son's 30th birthday after he was tragically taken from our family by an impaired, speeding, hit and run driver. I received notice about a new grief book being released on March 14th, my son was born March 15th. I could not wait until I was back in the US to read it, Finding The Words far exceeded my expectations. After our horrific tragedy I collected many grief books but this book touched my heart, could not put it down. I started to highlight the important chapters but essentially every word/page deeply spoke to me, it was all powerful. This is the most phenomenal book on grief with deep insights, profound and authentic. Colin is brilliant, courageous and honest and has helped my family so very much. I recommend this book for not just grieving families but for all of us to learn how to lean on each other with love. What a beautiful, extraordinary family, Colin, Gail, Ruby and Hart. Thank you Colin, you are providing much comfort, helping bereaved parents be seen and understood, we are not alone.