Stop Spinning, Start Breathing: Narcissist Abuse Recovery for Empowering the Empath

I needed this book as I go into a protective order hearing tomorrow against my husband of 12 years. He has progressively punished me and disregarded my boundaries, increasing his behavior without remorse, always having reasons for why I am to blame for his bad behavior, thus punishing me further. The protective order was obtained after the following event. I had a work conference in Miami, and I invited him to go. I paid for his plane ticket (he makes so much more than me but is extremely stingy and selfish with his money; even supporting himself in the household, much less contributing to any chores is a struggle). I had hardly seen my husband, the man I live with, for the past 3 months as he was always doing "side work" as an electrician. He is also an avid hunter, so he was gone pretty much all of the last three months except to come home at 8 or 9, shower, plop and snore in bed, then get up at 3 am again the next morning. I thought the Miami trip was an excellent opportunity to reconnect and make memories as a couple. Oh contraire! The early morning last minute packing had him breaking my brand new suitcase I purchased to replace my other suitcase he had broken 3 months earlier. He didn't tell me he had done it until we were already halfway to the airport. I asked him, "You broke my f--king suitcase? You f--king broke my suitcase?" Mind you, I am not a swearer in everyday life. I then said, "You always destroy my things, how low will I have to go?" Well, what I thought was a considerate gesture to drop me curbside due to the broken suitcase, was actually him leaving me, at the airport. I had a choice - face the embarrassment of letting my work know I didn't get on the plane and would have to repay the $2000 for the trip, OR go home and protect my two minor children from angry sullen sneaky stepdad. I took a cab, as he wasn't responding to any communication efforts, at the cost of $60. He knew I didn't have my keys, so he let me ring and ring, knock and knock, until my son came out of his 6 am sound sleep to answer the door. Upon seeing my husband with the now open door, I told him "Get the hell out of my house, I do not deserve to be treated this way." He tried various diversions, including trying to flip and blame me. I stuck with, "No, get out. I do not deserve to be treated this way" and I didn't engage in his tactics. He went in the master bedroom closet, and I said from 10 feet away, "The way you treat me in this marriage is evil, just evil!" Well, that was it , he came right in my face, and for him he was unusually red faced, screaming at the top of his lungs "JUST SHUT UP!". I again said, "You can't treat me this way". As he is seething with hate and anger he says "What I'd like to do is beat the living daylight out of you!" He then picks me up and literally throws, slams me on my back on the bed. Mind you he is a black belt in karate, and I was not going to see what else he had in mind. I pick up the phone and dial 911. What happens next was out of my hands, but he is now running around telling my church acquaintances that I made false charges against him. I don't have the power to file criminal charges, but the people he tells don't know those details. He even fully admitted the assault to the police thinking they would believe his blaming reasons as to why, because others have believed him so easily. I have been very private and thus pretty easy for him to victimize. He now has to face 1 charge of domestic assault, and 2 counts of domestic assault in the presence of minors. Thankfully the Victims Advocate with my police department told me to read The Narcissistic Lover, and then I found this book because the memories have always tripped me up. I have to deal with tomorrow, getting my temp protective order changed to a 150 day protective order, during which time I will file for divorce. I had tried 3 times in the past 2 years to separate, but each time he sweet talked his way back in, all the while being very aggressive behind my back, and giving me less and less within the relationship soon after returning, while continuing to lie, deceive, and be disloyal to me. I NEEDED THIS WORKBOOK this very week! Thank you!!

The information in the book is very helpful. The tone is angry, but in many ways, the anger is helpful, since as Zari says, we co-dependent enablers of narcissists often forget what the perpetrator did and is doing to us. She has included an excellent workbook as part of the book, and Zari's answers to the questions are very helpful.I haven't done all the exercises fully, but I can see it is a necessary task to finally release this heavy burden and let go of a person who does not enhance my life. Actually, the narcissist successfully destroys your life along with their own. He or she takes as much money as they can get, your time, your health, self-confidence, self-respect, and wellbeing.This book is worth your time, energy, and money to buy, read, work with and absorb for a better life of freedom and self-expression without the drama and trauma of those who would take you down, down, down into the pit where they dwell! As the author of "Ending the Battle Within," I am always surprised to see the areas where I still need work, and sometimes the most hidden problems are the elephants in the room!

This is perfect timing getting this book. I left in Oct 2015 and find it hard to stay no contact, because like Zari says with the relationship amnesia. The longest I ever made it was 4 days and was primarily thru texting. today I have 7 days no contact, and I am done responding to him because I know exactly where it will take me. He is now very far away but that doesn't seem to stop him. I'm just sick and tired of getting nowhere. I want to get better, and fell sad and empty everyday, but at least I have myself back and realize thru all the craziness that the contact is just going to set me back. Zari's book ( I have two) is exactly what I need. And Stop Spinning and Start Breathing is a true Godsend. It is such a big help going thru these exercises, as she gives her example first, but it helps you stay where you need to be, because it's so true how soon we forget or just cling to the good eve if there wasn't much. I've only done a few exercises, yet I feel good about staying No Contact. That is my only hope to get thru this nightmare and get better so I can be happy again. Thank You so much Zari! And my heart goes out to anyone experiencing this , because I have never been through anything so horrible.

Great Read! Informative! Validating!Wish I could say I'm not horrified at the behavior of narcissists, but Zari describes it so honestly.Thank you Zari for your contributions! They are most helpful! And she is 100% correct when she says those who haven't been involved with one, will not understand. Do not look to them. Especially with new agers. There is no way I could have "drawn this person to me" if I couldn't dream up the horrible exploitation, lies, cheating in the first place. He was drawn to my positive energy and enthusiasm! The narcissist I was involved with lured me over 4 months with lies before our first date. It can happen to anyone. They can put on the big fake VERY WELL! Their methods are very shrewd. They know when you have fallen for them and then WHAM! It is like a punch in the jaw. The behavior changes, etc. I accept that I didn't think what seemed like a small lie, would prove rotten character over all. Now, if someone lies, I won't hang around.Thanks again Zari! Took me 5 years to get out from under the non-human! Only because I do love, I do have empathy, I am loyal, etc.

I managed to read most of this, however it had arrived damaged so some pages were not readable. However after reading what I did it wasn't important. This book was/is very self absorbed its more like an autobiography of her life with the Narcissist. Everytime I read this it didnt make me feel better, ironically it made me feel worse, and perpetuated cylical thinking about the narcissist. Zari Ballard has clearly not moved on and got over her narcissist partner, this is evident in the personal attacks she makes against him. The use of language quite clearly highlights that she is still very angry and this anger can only induce anger in the readers. I found the work book part lacking, very badly put together and more like and excercise in school than an excercise in overcomeing such brutal naricissistic abuse. Narcissistic Abuse isnt a game and it isn't funny it tears apart the lives of people to the point of suicide ideation. It does not point out the abject terror one feels when immersed in a tumble dryer of thoughts that consume us to the point that we can sit for hours ruminating on why/where/if. I understand she is not a pyschologist however to help NA victims to survive, there needs to be more on how the Narcissists patterned behaviour affect our thinking, why it causes us to fall into a state of mind where we cannot move, think, eat sleep. Narcissists cause what I call Brain Fog, whereby the victim falls into intense rumination that is hard to climb out of. Most victims do not love the Narcissist and probably never have, they have been programmed to identify with the Narcissist they have been programmed to feel jealous, they have been programmed to feel the addiction they have been programmed to think they love them, but of course we all truly know you cannot love a monster you have just been programmed to do so. None of what victims suffer is real its a state of mind, its brain washing. I urge all victims to look at this frame of mind as a cloud you have been programmed to step into, a cloud you get stuck in and cannot step out of, then I urge you to make a concious effort no matter how long to step out of the programmed cloud, I mean to physically and mentally force your way out of that cloud if only for a few minutes. Use a rubber band on your wrist, believe me it hurts when you pull it back, this will signfy it times to have a rest from your thoughts, keep doing this. I could advise more but this is a reveiw not therapy. If you read this book all you will do is identify with her narcissist assimilate your pain to hers and it won't help.

I was hoping for a more informative read, however the whole book feels like im reading exerpts from a diary. Lots of space wasted on "writing your own experiences" which just seemed like a way to fill out the book and LOTS of attention focused on the readers relationship rather than the Narsassistic personality as a whole. Some informative bits, however i feel there was too much 'emotion' behind the writing and it should have been more objective, and included other examples of Narsassistic behaviours other than the writers Ex.

I think the book is a great way to get started in the way of writing thoughts and past events down so as to create a record of the truth about what happened to us. That is a powerful way to become clear again in our thinking and get away from the fog the narcissist wants for us. I can't go no contact, as we have kids but I have been able to make times of contact really clear and the rest of the time there is a strict no fly zone, except via email which bores her, and that's fine with me.

It's shame, I bought this hoping to find some guidance and help but the style and writing weren't for me. The author still feels very bitter about her relationship, angry at men and I felt like I was reading a rather amateur-level self help book. Couldn't really get past the first few chapters. This would be the equivalent of having a chat with your friends about your relationships, some good insights, some ranting, some wisdom, but I was looking for some authority and unbiased level-headed clarity.

A lot of books relating to narcissism are not the easiest of reads, however this one was great. Zari tells it as it is..her ex could have been my ex, it's scary! I'm feeling stronger as the months go on..these books really help, thank you.