The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander: From Preschool to HighSchool--How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle (Updated Edition)

This book should be read by every parent and educator.

I feel strongly that the only to solve the problem of bullying is to understand why it happens, and what can be done to prevent it from occurring in the future. Barbara Coloroso does an excellent job of helping the reader understand why bullying occurs:Readers learn:*what bullying is and what it isn't*the three kinds of bullying*the differences and similarities between boy and girl bullies*how to read the subtle clues that a child is being bullied*seven steps to take if your child is a bully*four abilities that protect your child from succumbing to a bully*why zero tolerance policies can equal zero thinking*why contempt, not anger, drives bullying, and how to confront this in bullies.Chapter 5:1) It shows the bully what he/she has done wrong.2) It gives him/her ownership of the problem.3) It gives him/her a process for solving the problem he created- restitution, resolution, and reconciliation.In Chapter five of her book Barbara Coloroso covers the different types of families you have:The Brick-Wall family-in essence is a dictatorship of control,obedience, adherence to rules, and strict hierarchy of power.The Jellyfish family-lacks a firm structure that is permissiveand a laissez-faire atmosphere prevails.The Backbone family-the parents don't demand respect they demonstrate and teach it.The family structure that every family should be striving for is the backbone family. According to Coloroso children learn to question and challenge authority that is not life-giving.-They learn that they can say no.-They learn that they can listen and be listened to.-They learn that they can be respectful and be respected themselves!The most important thing that children of backbone families learn is to love themselves and have empathy for others.Parents according to Coloroso must develop for their children a network of support through six critical life messages given every day:1) I believe in you!2) I trust you!3) I know you can handle life situations!4) You are listened to!5) You are cared for!6) You are very important to me!7) It leaves his dignity intact!Discipline according to Coloroso is a constructive and compassionate response to bullying that takes into consideration the intent, the severity of the deed, and the restorative steps needed to help the bully take on a new, more prosocial role.Discipline is not judgmental, arbitrary, confusing, or coercive. It is not something we do to children. It is a process that gives life to learning; it is restorative and invites reconciliation. Its goal is to instruct, teach, guide, and help children develop self-discipline.

I cannot believe the utter junk spewed in the first 20 pages of this book, because that's all I could stomach.Such stupidity, such inanity, such complete and utter ivory tower thinking so as to divorce one self from the reality of living is so insulting, so intellectually condescending as to make this publication worthy of being tossed in your newspaper recycling bin.And yet I paid money for this crap. Thank god it was used copy.Why did I buy it? Because it's used in USC's graduate courses on screenwriting, and being a screenwriter, I wanted to know what the hell Dean Coppola couldn't teach me that they were teaching down in USC's premier film program.Well, I got my answer; absolutely nothing. And I feel like I've been sold a bill of goods.To the material in the book, and the psychological exploration of bullying. What junk. You're better off buying a book on International Relations and warfare (I recommend Andrew Hanami's book). Nations, like people, exist because they can defend themselves. Good nations tend to make good strong alliances based on balanced agreements, usually centering around trade. In smaller units, say a town, the level of connectivity usually has communal aspect, but the relations are the same. Even on a neighborhood or familial level. When that contract is broken, then whatever rights are established are ended through breakage of the agreement; i.e. the right to be free. I recommend anyone to go read Thomas Jefferson as opposed to this trash.I cannot believe I wasted several hours of my life trying to fight off sleep getting through the fist couple of dozen of pages to read about pathetic examples of mankind on both sides of the "bully equation".What's worse is that this woman quotes like minded alleged-high IQ types as a justification for relinquishing self defense. Or, to paraphrase one of the intros of her chapters;"The idea that being excluded, shunned, ridiculed, ostracized, and physically assaulted by the bullying faction merits vengeance and violence is but one of the those self-degrading ideas that we embrace, creating a cure that is worse than the disease."Try telling that to the guy being mugged in an alley. Try telling that to the woman being sexually assaulted in her home or at a party. Try telling that to a Zebu whose young are being mauled by a pride of lions for lunch. Tell that to a shark preying off a school of dolphins, or to a Tyrannosaur bringing down a sauropod for a meal. Tell that to a bear plundering a bee hive for honey. Tell that to two tribes in meso American fighting over kills or watering holes. Hell, tell that to the Whitehouse and the Kremlin. Or, better yet, tell it to the police who are, in effect, the arm of justice for the common folk. The threat of losing your freedoms is a form of vengeance, though we call it justice. It is in fact and form retribution for the common man. It is preponderance, and is used with marginal effectiveness against criminals and would be criminals, the ultimate bullies.I would say something like "Who wrote this crap?" but the name of the author is there in stark letters for all to see.The Raisuli theory of bullying; I think we've all probably experienced some form of bullying on some level or another. Whether it's the tough kids in the school yard doing whatever it is they do or the boss yelling at you to get your job done, or even the police officer who pulls you over for speeding, we know what it's like to have someone try and exercise power over us. Well adjusted normal people know how to respond. If you don't, then perhaps you need more help than the rest of us.I can't believe anyone would take any word written in this thin flimsy tome to heart. I can't believe that the kids who shoot up schools really felt like this to the point of gunning down other students. Maybe, just MAYBE, kids ought to be taught they aren't that important, to have slightly thicker hides, and when a true bully comes along, then to report it to the teacher and principle, and when that fails, then to go to the police.FURTHER, what I find amazing is that guns were more prevalent prior to today's gun control laws, and yet shooting up a school was unheard of prior to the 80s, and even when it did happen it was gang or drug related, not because Johnny and Jimmy felt alienated at school.Speaking as in independent thinker who did not belong to any social cliques growing up, didn't feel excluded, and was happy to be dissociated from the dregs of wealthy society, all I can say is; My god, how does junk like this ever get published? When did being a victim or victimizer become a problem with lethal consequences among the mainstream public?Maybe society needs to reshift itself back to norms through swift kick in the backside.Exactly where does miss Coloroso live, Fantasy Land?Avoid this trash.ADDENDUM;Oh dear, some people didn't think my review was helpful; i.e. "we don't like what you have to say about this book".Maybe I need to post a big bright neon sign saying is teaching your child to be tough DOES NOT MEAN you hit them nor NOT love them.Maybe what I need to put in another bright neon sign is that teach them that their loved ones are the important people, NOT the scum bags at their schools.Love your child by hugging them, giving them lots of warmth, and helping them to learn things, and then WARNING THEM that there will be people who will put them down, but to stick with their principles.I'm not sure what part of that DIDN'T SINK IN.From Dean August Coppola's film program at SF State, to the rest of the world; pull your head out of the sand (or anyplace else you may have it...hint hint hint).

I know the author's intention with this book is coming from a good place but I can't help feeling disappointed with it. It s insightful for analysing the thinking process behind the bully, bullied and bystander but there's just two much waffle and not enough focus on stategies. I wanted to use this book as a reference tool but the books presentation lets it down. I would have appreciated a chapter that summarises the main points in a modern succinct format. A waste of money for me I'm afraid!

Anyone who has to deal with bullying in whatever form or shape will benefit from reading this book. It is clear, helpful, and insightful. I recommend it to anyone who may need support or guidance in this scenario

wow, a real eye opener