Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Paperback – September 8, 2009

Disclaimer: this is an incredibly long review, because I have found this book to be a breakthrough for me DESPITE NOT HAVING A NARCASSISTIC MOTHER. I found working through this book irreplaceable to healing as the child of a broken, abusive home; broken extended family; broken community; and, broken communist state. I'm hoping this review will help women whose mothers did the best they could, but were too broken to love their child unconditionally.A frame of reference: The "Ever Be Good Enough" title resonated with me to my core. My self-esteem issues began when I was about 7, to be followed later with perfectionist tendencies, anxiety, a lack of self-compassion, and a really unhealthy internal voice. My housemate left this book out and I immediately identified with the lack of emotional intimacy from my mom and others (dad, stepdad, grandma), my mom's inconsistent behavior, her occasional inability to protect me from harm, her desire to parade me around her friends, the family secrecy, and her inability to express an internal emotional world. However, my mom is not narcissistic: she is open now to talking about her deep feelings, albeit reluctantly as they're painful; she does not try to control me in my adulthood; she loves and is proud of who I am despite it not fitting with her world view, etc. That does not lessen the pain, however, of not getting my needs for unconditional love and protection met as a child.My loving mother's emotional problems stem from PTSD from her seriously abusive home, coupled with unhealthy behaviors derived from an unstable childhood (depressed mother, no food or textiles available making survival vs. intimacy the priority, state quota housing that makes it almost impossible to escape an abusive home, and the community selfishness that is par for the course with extremely limited basic resources). She has done her best to actively love me in the best way she knew how, and I am blessed to be so loved. What she has not been able to give me because of her own brokenness and paradigms, I am working through now.How this book helped: Despite a fantastic counselor that helped me learn so many great strategies to feel worthwhile and think positively, when overwhelming situations occurred, I would quickly lose my footing. McBride's book allowed me to work through my aching hurt and emptiness, guiding me through the past and continuing the healing I have started years ago. It has also informed the confused feeling and contradictory messages I have felt from my mother.The highlight: The first 90 pages where the most valuable, personally, for where I am in my healing. Outlining and describing every aspect of motherly love allowed me to create a specific list of what aspects I hadn't received. Before this book, I had not been able to push through my numbness and forced forgetting. It walked me through examples in a compassionate way, helping me remember. The book then guided me through accepting the loss of unconditional love through different suggested exercises.Applying the book to non-narcissistic mothers: The healing process was very easy to adjust to an emotionally unstable parent by replacing " mother was narcissistic and didn't love me in x way" with "mom was y and didn't love me in x way". I also found it helpful to think of my mother more compassionately--since my mom isn't singularly selfish, there was more truth in this thought for me: "my mom did the best she could with her emotional limitations and upbringing, but she still left holes in my heart. It is time to acknowledge the pain, work through those holes, and move past them. " I would also add that the author recommends not talking to your mom about your pain--McBride points out that narcissistic moms can't empathize with their daughters. This advice didn't apply to my mom who does care deeply about my well being but doesn't handle intense conversations well initially. The next step of my healing will be to learn more about my mom's past, which she has said she is willing to share, to understand her barriers to unconditional love. The ultimate goal of this is to heal my relationship with my mother by gaining unlimited compassion for my mom and unlimited forgiveness.Below is a list of additional books that helped me heal (from most to least relevant):Self-esteem by McKay (A complete self-esteem primer. I'm referring to the book, not the workbook.)The Color of Water by James McBride (unrelated to the author)--biographical tribute to a white, Jewish mom from her mixed, black son. I am neither black, nor Jewish, but really understood, related to, and worked through my own pain of an emotionally limited mother. I used this book to figure out where to go from here after reading McBride (the answer for me is to fill in the remaining gaps in the past and gain a greater understanding of my mother so that I can brim with compassion and forgiveness for her.Psalm 139, "ESV"' lines 1-18 (free if you type what I just did into a search engine)I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou (fiction, narcissistic mother; broken daughter)Hullaballoo in The Guava Orchard by Desai (fiction, vaguely related, about self-actualization and indirectly self-compassion. In an abstract way, this book demonstrates how to meet my needs)

I read this book about a year ago, rented from my library’s ebook selection, and it opened my eyes in ways they had never been opened before. I cried so much! I’ve spent a lifetime in therapy, but could never accept that my mother was a covert narcissist. Seeing myself described in this book was what finally led me to acceptance. I felt so seen and validated in things I’ve been thinking and feeling my whole life.I decided to buy my own physical copy so I could highlight things and refer back to it in times of turmoil with my mother. I still have a lot of healing to do, but if you have been led to this book either by recommendation or because you are seeking something, please give it a try. It is not a super long read, but it’s intense, so you will need to take your time.Even though I’ve gained a lot of peace and understanding, the work will continue for a lifetime. This book is a great starting point, though. A year after reading it I am in a totally new place with how I view and interact with my mother.

This book is great. As a mental health professional I would also recommend this book to those who are dealing with CPTSD as a result of having a narcissistic mother. Before I bought the book, I was concerned because of some of the negative reviews. However, this book is very comprehensive and feel that maybe those who gave the book a negative review may have not wanted to do the hard work.I knew the book was right for me when I read the beginning. The book is to help you on your healing journey, not bash your family of origin. The book comes from a place of compassion. The book covers empirical evidence of the results of narcissistic mothers on their daughters. It gives a variety of clinical examples, as well as ways that you can see where your mother is on the narcism spectrum. It does into detail about some of the symptoms, feelings, and thoughts you may be experiencing as a result of childhood stresses/trauma.The final part of the book is a guide for your healing journey. The work is incredibly difficult, but also incredibly rewarding! The only thing I wish McBride added was self-soothing techniques. I love the way she discusses taking alone time to think, journal, and process past experiences, but it does not provide any ways for calming down anxiety. I think many who read this might have PTSD, and there was not much information in this book about how those with trauma should approach exercises.If you don't have any self-soothing techniques, you might want to develop one for working through this book--such as meditation and mindfulness. The writing exercises and steps she gives you are what a good therapist would recommend to process a stressful childhood. Like I said previous, it is NOT easy work, but it is REWARDING work. Very worth while. I have already bought this book for others.